How To Have Healthy Sex After Abuse
Good morning to you, beloved friend! I honestly didn't think I'd be writing about sex, today. I didn't have it planned. However, I prayed about what I should write and this was my prompt.
I'm going to share some things that I personally have implemented in my life and have resulted in a healthy sexual relationship with my husband after healing from past trauma of abuse and rape. It is definitely not a one size fit all, approach. If you are reading this and you've been a victim of a terrible crime such as these, please know my prayers and never ending internet hugs are with you right now, thank you for trusting me with your heart. I love you so very much and I want to share with you what has helped me in a tender and respectful way. Heck, I'm still learning how to even become healthy in all aspects of my life, so I don't claim to be an expert at sex or healthy sex or anything other than my own journey which I pray and hope can shed some light on your own. However, please take my advice with a grain of salt and lift it up to your Heavenly Father to see if it matches up to His truth for you in this season of your healing.
1.- Sex is a creation of God.
I say this with the most tender heart. I know the pain of being abused and mistreated in a sexual manner. It screws up your beliefs about sex and yourself. In my case, I believed that I caused the abuse because of what I looked like and I believed there was something wrong with me and that I deserved the shame that held me captive for so long. I would see friends who seemed so pure and innocent and it would hurt me to think I wasn't like them. I believed that I was to blame for my shame. This created a corrosive belief system about sex and it became an addictive place that I used as a means to victimize and objectify myself even further. When I married Doug, I would over-sexualize everything. I wasn't happy if my husband wasn't telling me I was sexy all the time. When I started therapy and healing from abuse a few years ago, the pendulum swung the other way. I suddenly couldn't have sex. I didn't even want to think about it, it was so painful healing from the terrible wounds I had suppressed for so long, but the healing was necessary. We couldn't and didn't have sex for a while. I was too raw in my emotions. I am so grateful for God who helped my husband to love me and choose me, even when I wasn't able to be a fully functioning wife in most aspects. He allowed my mind, heart, and body to heal. When I was ready to have sex again, God gave us the most beautiful gift. An orchid in my room that had been dormant for months, bloomed the night we finally made love. I believe God gave me a sign of purity and innocence. Something I had never felt in sex ever before. So I began discovering that sex was not the enemy. God created sex for a man and a woman to enjoy at the right time; in marriage and for their pleasure and his glory. If you had told me at 13 that God created sex for me to enjoy the ecstasy and delight of its beauty when I was mentally, physically and spiritually ready for it, I think it would have resonated differently then, "Don't do it because you'll get pregnant or get an STD!" I didn't understand as a young girl that what my heart and body truly desired was to be loved, seen, and to receive healthy touch. If I had just known that I could've asked for a hug instead of giving myself away in search for love. I wanted to be important to someone, so sex became the portal in which love manifested itself. It was toxic but at least it was there. However, after so much shame from the abuse and shame from giving my body away when I wasn't ready, I became deafened to the amazingness that sex could be in a marriage. So I experienced sex without being in my body because I had to leave up out of there in order to survive with the guilt. As a healthy wife, I had to learn that I was no longer being abused, and I was in a healthy relationship with my husband. That God had both redeemed and forgiven all my past. That I was made new and God saw me 100% pure through the sacrifice Christ made for you and me. And his sacrifice was death on a cross so that I can once again find my dignity and be able to enjoy what was meant to be a source of pleasure and joy in my marriage. Not a source of pain and shame. Oh, my eyes are filled with tears right now for the goodness of Jesus. He takes very broken people and transforms with his love. The love of Jesus was the answer for my shame. He was the answer I needed in nights when I couldn't understand why when I could have sex, I couldn't enjoy it. Jesus was the answer when I couldn't bare the pain of the rape and abuse. Jesus was the answer when all I wanted to do was hide away in my pain. Jesus was the answer to restoring what I lost as a young girl. He gifted me my purity and my dignity and showed me my story isn't ME. I endured the pain of someone else's sin but I was still whole and beautiful. The definition of PURE when you google is: "Unmixed not mixed or adulterated with any other substance or material." I had been hurt but it didn't mix in! I was still myself. I was looking outside of myself for my worth, value and purity but Jesus is showing me where I am. I'm right here. I'm right here. And so are you, beloved. I pray that you'd begin to see yourself as 100% pure and that you'd give a shift in paradigm to the beliefs you have about sex, God and yourself. If anything makes you feel gross shame, it's not the truth, it's not from God. I believe that sex is God's and it's a beautiful act two people who are married get to enjoy. When we have sex outside of this protection, we are placing ourselves in a bigger battle. What we believe will satisfy our flesh is a momentary and fleeting pleasure that does not compare to the riches God has for you when you are obedient out of knowing God's character. He has greater things for you than you can imagine! Love comes first, then obedience. I am not speaking to you out of a judgmental place for I have no grounds. I had sex many times outside of the sanctity of marriage. I just didn't know what I was saying no to. I was saying yes to my flesh and it left me feeling even more empty. What I was truly seeking was to be truly known and truly loved and that I have only found in Christ. When I was sure of this love, I was able to change because of it. I had to ask for forgiveness for my sins and grieve them. Then I began to forgive myself. It's been miraculous seeing God work in his love in the very fabric of my being. Seeing the dignity within me is astounding. Seeing the way I view myself and sex are nothing but a miracle. If God can do this with me, he can help anyone in need of a healthy sexual perspective.
2.- Think of sex differently if you want to feel differently.
I started seeing and thinking about sex differently. When I would pray that God would help me through sex and that it wouldn't be painful, things started to shift. I began thinking of myself not as a victim anymore, not as a shameful being anymore, but as a woman, God created with a pure sexual nature to enjoy with her husband. Not like a piece of meat created for someone else to enjoy. Wow. What a difference a thought makes! I began thinking differently about myself and about sex. For so long the way I viewed sex was in Satans' court. It felt like it had to be dirty to be pleasurable, I even at times consented to sex even when I physically hurt or didn't emotionally connect with my husband. I started to be courageous and speak to him about what I was experiencing and when I couldn't have sex, I would be open in communication about it. I would ask my husband for non-sexual touch. Believe it or not, these were huge breakthroughs for me. To be able to ask for what I needed (non-sexual touch) from my husband and being able to have the choice to say, no, without feeling like I was going to let him down. Now my husband understands that my no is a no, however, when I say yes, I mean yes baby, yes! I now think thoughts like, God made sex for me and my husband to enjoy. God delights in our delight. I think wonderful thoughts about my husband and about myself and therefore reap the benefits of a new belief system. Your beliefs affect your thoughts which then affect your feelings. I was feeling shame in sex because I believed myself to be shameful. I no longer partner with that. I love the mind and its amazing power. So beloved, do the work. Have thoughts that correlate with what you want to feel! Soon enough you will start believing yourself.
I love you so much thank you for reading! I appreciate you and I pray that God meets you where you need him today! You are meant to live an extraordinary life full of joy, love, and freedom in all areas, including having Godly orgasms, can I get an Amen!?!
With love and respect // Libier