Finding Hope In The Midst Of Heartache
I've had to overcome tremendous amounts of disappointment in my life. Before, the way I coped with any emotional discomfort and pain was to run from it to something that would buffer it; Toxic relationships, food, isolation, alcohol, self-harm. I didn't know or understand how to deal with uncomfortable emotions, ie. (sadness, fear, anger). I am learning how to accept I have "uncomfortable" emotions and that they are just as important to my health as the "great feeling" ones! Did you know that emotions are a vibration felt through your body in response to your thoughts? So sadness, anger, and fear will not consume us once we are feeling it if we accept and process, we'll feel uncomfortable, sure, some emotional pain will arise, but afterward, my beloved friends, we'll have understanding and peace! Some of us believe that our negative emotions will kill us and we do anything and everything in order to avoid feeling them to the point of partnering with coping mechanisms that are making us sick! I don't know about you, but I'd much rather learn how to accept and process uncomfortable emotions than being lost in addiction of sorts with a risk of becoming a cold hearted robot. If I say no to the "bad emotions" I also say no to the "good ones" and I am knee deep in depression. I don't want that for myself or anyone else! God has delivered me from it and what a fight that was to come up from under the mire! My friends, we were meant to have all kinds of emotions and we can learn how to process them correctly!
I heard a story from my pastor at church about how the moment baby giraffes are born, the mother kicks them down so they learn to get up. Once they are up, she kicks them once again so they can remember how to get back up. I can so relate to that feeling of being kicked, hard, and choosing to get back up again. To be honest with you, I'm going through probably one of the most painful seasons of my life. I've been saying this for the past five years, ha! The pain in my heart is paramount as I am choosing to heal and deal soberly with all the pain I use to run away from. Truth is. It might take a very long time to heal from all the trauma I've endured. Sometimes it seems as though the longer I live the more pain gets compounded into the pain bank. How do we as humans deal with the difficulties, struggles, disappointments, and pain of life? How do we hold fast to hope when, like the giraffe, we're kicked when we're are already down and sometimes by our own loved ones? How can we believe in a God when things are all out of whack in life and we feel like we've been abandoned or terribly hurt? I'll tell you something. I know I might not know much, but this I do know; the alternative to believing that God has a plan is hopelessness. You see, I've been fighting for my life for five years. Some days I've really considered the alternative but something within me gets me back up again! And I'll tell you something, I won't quit. And neither should you! If I can keep going, so can you. My stomach is in knots right now from all that is swirling in my mind. My eye is literally twitching from all the pain within my heart, but I will say this, I won't give up and neither should you. I know in times we feel there is no way. No out. No purpose for what we are going through. I am the first to admit to sometimes not understanding why a loving God would allow pain like I've felt into this world. But the alternative for me is; no hope. That feels so much worse than anything else. I'd rather believe that "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain." ( Hebrews 6:19)
I recently started therapy. Like legit therapy. She suggested I go every week, I'm thinking due to the amount of trauma I've faced in my life. Not sure how to feel right now. Mental illness is so tricky. People suffer alone from it because no one understands it to be a thing the person doesn't choose. If I told anyone I had cancer right now I'm sure some people would treat me a bit differently than when I share I've been depressed or have been healing from bulimia or cutting my arms. I wouldn't choose any of those symptoms if it were my choice. I've been a victim of some pretty awful things and I'm finally realizing these were how I survived it all. I'm finding freedom from victimization now in my thirties but before then, I didn't know life without victimization until the fight for my life began five years ago. I don't think anyone but Jesus can understand the fight we've had to go through. Just as no one can understand fully all that you are going through as well! We all have a story to tell and God wants nothing more than to heal us all uniquely! I am learning how to believe that I am victorious over my life in the name of Christ. I am learning to cope with the pain and disappointments of life. I'm discovering that I am a person of my own, with the capability to stand up for myself. To stop allowing people to mistreat me. To say no when I need to. I am learning how to love and respect myself and it's been one heck of a ride. All this to say, I hope beloved friend, that wherever you are on your journey of life. What ever has hurt you, disappointed you. Whatever you're processing right now or not processing now, that you'd know someone here understands your fight. God loves you and understands you right where you are. I know how difficult this life can be at times but I know that there is power in the name of Jesus! You are not alone, you can trust in the Lord with all your heart "And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3: 5-6)
Jesus is the hope for which I live for. I know that in the midst of facing my pain instead of running from it, God will do wonders. And he can do it for anyone who believes because he is a God of abundance!
I love you so much, my friends. Thank you for reading! I'll see you soon!
Love // Libier